Look for the Best in Each Other ~ Olajuwon Obalola
I once heard about a husband and wife who were so upset after a big argument that they refused to speak to each other. That night, not wanting to be the first to break the awkward silence, the man left a note on his wife’s side of the bed that read, “wake me up at 6 o’clock in the morning.”
The next morning, by the time the husband woke up, it was already 8 o’clock. Furious, he roared, “Where is she?” and was about to chew out his wife when he found a note on his side of the bed: “It’s six o’clock; wake up.”
If we’re going to live in love, we have to learn to forgive one another. The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, but instead, forgive. And above all things, put on love.”1 That means: Above having your own way, above.
A glorious marriage is not a product of wishes, but of workings.
Now, home, sweet home has started! Let's now discuss how to sustain it and make it the haven God planned it to be. So, we shall discuss what I call the seven "Rs" - Relate, Respect, Reason, Romance, Rule, Resist, and Realize.
1. Relate
This means establishing a social togetherness - reckoning with the other partner as being relevant, and establishing a mental liberty that allows for a free flow of communication.
You must disallow a feeling of inferiority, but rather create a free atmosphere for effective communication. Your wife is a help mate; so you are mates, just like classmates. You are co-helpers. An environment that spells slavery must not be allowed.
Scripturally, for any system to run successfully there must be a leader. The understanding of what makes up a system is also very crucial. A home where only one person has the say is a house. Practical relationship is fundamental to building a very successful home. The essence of this relationship is to establish free communication. The moment a home becomes communication-deficient, it is heading for devastation. A situation where you can't openly look at issues and comment on them for the progress of the home is dangerous.
2. Respect
People have always thought that respect is a one sided issue in the home, that the wife must always respect the husband. But it's a two-way flow. There must be respect for each party that makes up the home, for the Bible says the husband should honour his wife. This sounds very un-African, but it's the truth. The Bible talks about, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21).
In 1 Peter 3:7, we read:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.
Yes, the wife is supposed to submit in everything (Eph. 5:22-24), but she should also be given the honour due to her.
On my way to the airport one day, I saw some policemen on the road. The superior officer was shouting at the junior one, calling him all manner of names - crazy, stupid. The junior one tolerated this for a while, but after some time, he removed his uniform and said to the superior officer, "Take your uniform," and went ahead to slap him. Those that gathered around the scene said, "Thats good for him. His mouth is too big." That was an inspector and a private. That means the superior officer had pushed the "goat" to the wall and discovered that a goat could bite. Don't push a goat to the wall, because the bite of a goat can be poisonous. It doesn't bite often, so all the poisons are stored up inside.
I looked at that inspector and the private, and I received instruction. There is a way you would talk to your son and you'll loose your respect ad a father. Initially, when you walk rudely to him, he would tell you, "Enough Sir, Enough! Please, please, you are not the only father in the world." That means you are going beyond your bounds. If you don't stop there, he would say, "Man, enough." That is to say, the goat can bite, if you go any further. I think most of the crises we have in homes today are caused when one party does not think that he owes the other respect. When respect is not mutual, it becomes slavery.
Every man owes his wife a degree of honour. It's common knowledge that the more respect you give, the more respect you earn. Respect is a seed, and only those who do seeds reap the harvest. As you want others to do to you, do the same unto them. If you don't respect your wife's views, you will shut her up from expressing them.
I know it is naturally expected that the wife respects her husband. The Bible advises the woman in 1 Peter 3:5-6 thus
.... Being in subjection unto their own husbands: even Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are.
But respect must be mutual, otherwise, you enslave the other party.
The husband has a covenant obligation to accord his wife the respect due to her. If he forms the habit of talking to her disrespectfully, especially before other people, they will also treat her like that.
Honour your wife, and she would naturally respect you. Consider her as an heir of the kingdom together with you, as 1 Peter 3:7 says. Respect is earned, not taken.
3. Reason
To maintain respect in the home, make sure your views are born out of reasoning. When you produce your cause, buttress it with strong reasons. What a man utters determines the level of respect he would earn. I was in a meeting some time ago and the floor was thrown open for people to make their observations on certain issues on the agenda. After hearing some views, I left the meeting, because the statements made were not born out of reason. The foolishness in the utterances made was unbearable, so I had to leave.
Likewise, when you are making your observations in the home, make them based on good reasoning. Let your reasons be strong enough to command the attention of your listener; don't just make an open ended observation. "This is my observation on this issue and my view is based on the following facts. If things continue like this, we are likely to have this....."
Let your observations be based on fact, not guesses. The depth of your reasoning determines the height of respect you earn, so you must take time to find out what exactly you want. It will help you a lot.
"This children should go to this school." "on what basis?" "For the following reasons...." Then you list them. You will find the other party saying, Okay, even though it's costlier, these reasons have greater value than the cost. Let's see how we can approach the payment." Or on the other hand, the other party might say, "They can't go to that school, but I perceive we can supplement what this other school, which costs less offers by providing the following extra inputs. This extra input will cost much less than paying the high school fees at the other school." Then you let the voice of reason prevail.
Reasoning is an analytical, rational and logical thinking process. It makes planning easy. Every sound decision is as a result of good planning. So, locate the facts that are relevant to your desires, and plan based on these facts and available resources. One of the reasons for crisis in the home is poor management of resources. Escape it by planning well, based on facts.
You need to engage reasoning reasoning in your communication or you start losing respect. If your spouse can't find reason in everything you say, then you can't get respect out of him or her.
Never raise an issue without substantiating it with proven facts. And at the end of the day, let the voice of reason prevail. You may have ten facts and the other person just two, but which may be stronger than yours. With meekness, let the man in charge have the final say.
Once you are able to establish a forum for communication, there won't be room for nagging. Never raise an issue without reasons, otherwise, you may begin to build walls of barrier in the home system.
The remaining "Rs" would be discussed soon.
Olajuwon Obalola.
Tweets at @OlajuwonObalola
The next morning, by the time the husband woke up, it was already 8 o’clock. Furious, he roared, “Where is she?” and was about to chew out his wife when he found a note on his side of the bed: “It’s six o’clock; wake up.”
If we’re going to live in love, we have to learn to forgive one another. The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger, but instead, forgive. And above all things, put on love.”1 That means: Above having your own way, above.
A glorious marriage is not a product of wishes, but of workings.
Now, home, sweet home has started! Let's now discuss how to sustain it and make it the haven God planned it to be. So, we shall discuss what I call the seven "Rs" - Relate, Respect, Reason, Romance, Rule, Resist, and Realize.
1. Relate
This means establishing a social togetherness - reckoning with the other partner as being relevant, and establishing a mental liberty that allows for a free flow of communication.
You must disallow a feeling of inferiority, but rather create a free atmosphere for effective communication. Your wife is a help mate; so you are mates, just like classmates. You are co-helpers. An environment that spells slavery must not be allowed.
Scripturally, for any system to run successfully there must be a leader. The understanding of what makes up a system is also very crucial. A home where only one person has the say is a house. Practical relationship is fundamental to building a very successful home. The essence of this relationship is to establish free communication. The moment a home becomes communication-deficient, it is heading for devastation. A situation where you can't openly look at issues and comment on them for the progress of the home is dangerous.
2. Respect
People have always thought that respect is a one sided issue in the home, that the wife must always respect the husband. But it's a two-way flow. There must be respect for each party that makes up the home, for the Bible says the husband should honour his wife. This sounds very un-African, but it's the truth. The Bible talks about, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God" (Eph. 5:21).
In 1 Peter 3:7, we read:
Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers be not hindered.
Yes, the wife is supposed to submit in everything (Eph. 5:22-24), but she should also be given the honour due to her.
On my way to the airport one day, I saw some policemen on the road. The superior officer was shouting at the junior one, calling him all manner of names - crazy, stupid. The junior one tolerated this for a while, but after some time, he removed his uniform and said to the superior officer, "Take your uniform," and went ahead to slap him. Those that gathered around the scene said, "Thats good for him. His mouth is too big." That was an inspector and a private. That means the superior officer had pushed the "goat" to the wall and discovered that a goat could bite. Don't push a goat to the wall, because the bite of a goat can be poisonous. It doesn't bite often, so all the poisons are stored up inside.
I looked at that inspector and the private, and I received instruction. There is a way you would talk to your son and you'll loose your respect ad a father. Initially, when you walk rudely to him, he would tell you, "Enough Sir, Enough! Please, please, you are not the only father in the world." That means you are going beyond your bounds. If you don't stop there, he would say, "Man, enough." That is to say, the goat can bite, if you go any further. I think most of the crises we have in homes today are caused when one party does not think that he owes the other respect. When respect is not mutual, it becomes slavery.
Every man owes his wife a degree of honour. It's common knowledge that the more respect you give, the more respect you earn. Respect is a seed, and only those who do seeds reap the harvest. As you want others to do to you, do the same unto them. If you don't respect your wife's views, you will shut her up from expressing them.
I know it is naturally expected that the wife respects her husband. The Bible advises the woman in 1 Peter 3:5-6 thus
.... Being in subjection unto their own husbands: even Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are.
But respect must be mutual, otherwise, you enslave the other party.
The husband has a covenant obligation to accord his wife the respect due to her. If he forms the habit of talking to her disrespectfully, especially before other people, they will also treat her like that.
Honour your wife, and she would naturally respect you. Consider her as an heir of the kingdom together with you, as 1 Peter 3:7 says. Respect is earned, not taken.
3. Reason
To maintain respect in the home, make sure your views are born out of reasoning. When you produce your cause, buttress it with strong reasons. What a man utters determines the level of respect he would earn. I was in a meeting some time ago and the floor was thrown open for people to make their observations on certain issues on the agenda. After hearing some views, I left the meeting, because the statements made were not born out of reason. The foolishness in the utterances made was unbearable, so I had to leave.
Likewise, when you are making your observations in the home, make them based on good reasoning. Let your reasons be strong enough to command the attention of your listener; don't just make an open ended observation. "This is my observation on this issue and my view is based on the following facts. If things continue like this, we are likely to have this....."
Let your observations be based on fact, not guesses. The depth of your reasoning determines the height of respect you earn, so you must take time to find out what exactly you want. It will help you a lot.
"This children should go to this school." "on what basis?" "For the following reasons...." Then you list them. You will find the other party saying, Okay, even though it's costlier, these reasons have greater value than the cost. Let's see how we can approach the payment." Or on the other hand, the other party might say, "They can't go to that school, but I perceive we can supplement what this other school, which costs less offers by providing the following extra inputs. This extra input will cost much less than paying the high school fees at the other school." Then you let the voice of reason prevail.
Reasoning is an analytical, rational and logical thinking process. It makes planning easy. Every sound decision is as a result of good planning. So, locate the facts that are relevant to your desires, and plan based on these facts and available resources. One of the reasons for crisis in the home is poor management of resources. Escape it by planning well, based on facts.
You need to engage reasoning reasoning in your communication or you start losing respect. If your spouse can't find reason in everything you say, then you can't get respect out of him or her.
Never raise an issue without substantiating it with proven facts. And at the end of the day, let the voice of reason prevail. You may have ten facts and the other person just two, but which may be stronger than yours. With meekness, let the man in charge have the final say.
Once you are able to establish a forum for communication, there won't be room for nagging. Never raise an issue without reasons, otherwise, you may begin to build walls of barrier in the home system.
The remaining "Rs" would be discussed soon.
Olajuwon Obalola.
Tweets at @OlajuwonObalola
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